[I sent the following to Amazon on Friday, June 26, 2015. I will post Amazon’s response as soon as I get it. Hopefully it makes someone over there laugh.]

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Dear Amazon,

 

Before 1994, zero babies in the United States were discovered wandering construction sites. It was a statistic worthy of praise and one in keeping with the rest of the developed world. In the years following, however, the number of construction zone-related baby walkabouts has steadily increased. In 2013 alone, approximately 429 babies in the United States were found wandering construction sites, all of whom were apprehended while attempting to scale the steel beams of up and coming skyscrapers. Having babies crawl around these dangerous work zones is hazardous enough, let alone the fact that all 429 were without hardhats.

And why, exactly, this appalling rise in infant excursions to future building sites? Three words: Baby’s Day Out.

In 1994, Baby’s Day Out hit theaters, and it inspired generations of infants to reenact the adventures of a small child, Baby Bink, as he wriggled across treacherous landscapes. While presented as a humorous escape from a handful of opportunistic robbers, the reality of Baby Bink’s escapades is frightening. Think about it. 429 babies were crawling out to the outer edges of a steel beam, in hopes their weight would tilt the beam, so that the opposite end would hit a GROWN MAN in the TESTICLES!  While these babies clearly risked accidental suicide, they also toed the line of manslaughter, meaning they could be imprisoned for years, thus ruining any chance at a normal life afforded to less adventurous babies (especially if tried as an adult).

As I stated before, the rise in these incidents is STARTLING! What’s even more alarming is that we’re only talking about one small fraction of the movie. Did you know that the number of infants attempting to use zippo lighters is on the rise? Did you also know that baby excursions to the zoo, without adult supervision, are also on the rise? How about the growing trend of infants crawling into the handbags of aloof women to take a nap?

My point is this: Baby’s Day Out is a dangerous movie to show children under the age of five, and for less than six dollars on Amazon.com, an infant, with the aid of a stolen credit card, can purchase this abominable movie.

With your help, Amazon, in refusing to sell and distribute this offensive film, the risk of infant injury and infant incarceration could drop. All you have to do is pull Baby’s Day Out from your marketplace, and by that simple action, a whole generation is saved. Please Amazon, let’s work together to bring that number of infants wandering construction sites back to zero. 429 is too high of a number for any respectable industrialized nation.

Together, we can make a stand. Together, we can do to Baby Bink what we did to Joe Cool — as allies, as Americans, as humans. Make a pledge with us, Amazon. Tell Baby Bink his pied piper days are over!

Thank you for your time,

Scott Waldyn
Mediator
Baby Workplace Safety Coalition